


Wanna See Something Funny?

by nana_banana



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Derek Hale Can Have Nice Things, Derek Hale Deserves Nice Things, Derek Hale is a Little Shit, Gen, Language, M/M, Post-Season/Series 02, Pre-Slash, Vacuum Cleaners, Werewolves, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26144185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nana_banana/pseuds/nana_banana
Summary: After a training session with his betas, Derek Hale recalls a good memory from his childhood.
Relationships: Derek Hale & Derek Hale's Pack, Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 15
Kudos: 151





	Wanna See Something Funny?

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this in two hours. Typos?? Who knows! Do I care??? NO! Enjoy!

Once Stiles found out where Derek Hale and his new band of assholes hung out, he started joining them. For Scott's sake, of course. As a born werewolf, there were innumerable lessons Derek could give. And if Scott was not going to learn them himself, it was up to Stiles to do it for him and then pass the knowledge along.

Whether Scott retained anything was unclear, but that was neither here nor there.

Derek did not mind Stiles for the most part. He huffed in Stiles' general direction and blustered at him to fuck off. But when Stiles stood his ground and insisted he needed to know “these wolfy things”, Derek rolled his eyes and pretended he could not see Stiles. Like if he just wished it hard enough, Stiles would disappear.

Or maybe like an infant with no sense of object permanence. If he could not see Stiles, that meant he was not there.

His asshole puppies, on the other hand, were not so easily dissuaded. They snapped at him, crowding him, attempting to cow him into leaving. They fronted and they faked swiping at him with very sharp claws.

But Stiles would not leave.

And when they got too close to harming him, Derek intervened with a threatening growl and an annoyed command for them to settle down already.

And they did so, if grudgingly.

It was a good thing Stiles was a stubborn asshole himself with no sense of self-preservation.

On one such day, Derek's betas were lounging. They were bickering between themselves over whose turn it was to fetch lunch. Erica was on top of the subway car lying on its side, visible only by the manicured hand she had thrown over the edge. Boyd sat, leaned against it, heavy boot nudging at Isaac's foot where he lay on the floor, in an effort to make him get up and get said lunch.

Isaac was falling asleep with Boyd's rocking.

Derek was seated much further away at a collapsed concrete pillar. He was closest to Stiles, only a few feet away from him. His head was thrown over the concrete, seemingly comfortably asleep.

Stiles himself was writing down possible training regimens into one of his school notebooks, using his backpack as a lap desk. He was planning on using them for Scott, but he would have to ask Derek about the efficacy of them first. It was why he currently lingered after the betas had completed their own lessons of the day.

It was as he was jotting down his fifth idea when a soft snort brought his attention away from the ruled sheet. He looked around to see Derek staring off into the distance, a wry sort of look on his features. The wry look turned into a small smirk, and he looked over at Stiles, eyes twinkling in an unusual way. Had Stiles not known better, he would have called the expression playful.

But Stiles _did_ know better. Derek was far from playful. Sarcastic, yes. Mean, absolutely! But playful, _never._

Derek was more likely to rip someone's throat out than show an ounce of levity — and hey! He had absolutely done that already!

So when Derek settled that look upon Stiles, the only thing Stiles felt was confusion with a hint of stomach-turning dread.

Then Derek said, “Wanna see something funny?”

And Stiles had the nerve wracking feeling that funny for Derek would be extremely painful for him.

But before he could reply that no, he would very much like to _live,_ Derek smoothly got up, moving over to the second subway car with barely a sound. He snuck in, took a few seconds, then he was out again, something dark in his hand. Standing, Stiles set aside his things. He stared at him in confusion before he realized that Derek was holding a battery-powered hand vacuum. He made his way over, raising both eyebrows.

Derek motioned to the vacuum and muttered, “Just watch. My mom used to do this to us.” Then he turned and moved closer to the other car where his betas continued to bicker.

The following event would forever change the way Stiles viewed werewolves. For when Derek flicked the switch on the handheld vacuum and the grating, whirring noise of the machine filled the air, the first thing he saw was Erica leap so high, she tumbled off the car. The next thing Stiles registered, all three betas were in their werewolf shifts, claws and teeth bared and snarling. Their eyes were flashing uncontrollably and they were lunging at Derek.

Before they made contact, however, they leapt back, roaring at him.

“What is that!” Erica screeched from her cover around the corner of the car, clawing at the roof of it in Derek's direction. “What is that!”

Boyd ground out, “Get it out of here!”

Meanwhile, and loudest of all, Isaac incoherently shouted, “Fuck off! Fuck off! Come at me! Come on! Fuck off!!”

It was as if every reasonable brain cell in their heads had flown the coop, and all that was left were these yappy, angry, and frightened toddlers.

Then Derek stepped forward, and all three betas leapt back, gnashing their teeth and growling.

Isaac yelped, the closest to Derek, and stumbled back before righting himself and swiping at him from six feet away.

“Kill it!” Erica screamed, face filled with a kind of fury usually reserved for the hunters trying to kill them.

And Stiles lost it. The sound that came out of him was inhuman. It started out choked before it turned immediately high-pitched and hysterical. Stiles laughed and honked and brayed like he never had before. The feeling in his legs abandoned him entirely, and Stiles collapsed onto his knees, the pain of striking the cement negligible as his chest continued to heave.

No longer would Stiles be so terribly intimidated by the overgrown pups that liked to flash their eyes and hold their claws to his belly. No longer would he flinch when Erica tapped her nails along the lockers at school when no one else was around. No longer would he squeal when Boyd suddenly stepped out from behind him without a sound. No longer would he hide behind Scott when Isaac feigned lunging at him in the locker room.

No.

Stiles was done being afraid of these assholes.

“Shut up!”

Erica’s voice cut through his laughter and Stiles opened his streaming eyes to see her glowering at him from fifteen feet away. It was then that Stiles registered that the vacuum was off and the betas were all red in the face, looking embarrassed, baffled, and angry as they all glared at him. But Stiles still laughed, shaking uncontrollably on the floor and his stomach muscles aching like he had done fifty crunches in one go. He whimpered, snorting at their faces before he did as Erica said and went completely silent, mouth open as he failed to breathe through his laughter.

He tried to talk. Tried to say how fucking ridiculous they looked. How happy he was to have been there that day to see such an amazing sight. He wanted to tell them that this was the happiest day of his life.

In an attempt to convey this, he looked to Derek. Derek who, despite viewing Stiles as intolerable, usually understood him with just a look. Who could raise his eyebrows and convey a complete sentence without breathing a word. Derek, who had the most expressive face for such a reticent, grumpy asshole.

But Derek was not even looking at him. He was staring down at the vacuum in his hand. The smirk was gone, but there was a smug look in his eyes as he leaned against the car. Then he glanced up to his betas who were slowly crowding in around Stiles, incensed at his continued, if mute, laughter.

Stiles gasped for breath, managing a very weak, “Derek,” before Derek briefly met his eyes. His thumb shifted on the vacuum, finding the switch once more. And with a wink at Stiles, he flicked it.

The loud whir of the motor filled the warehouse and Isaac yelped, leaping away and crashing into Boyd, taking him down as Boyd tripped in an effort to flee from the machine.

Erica hissed like an angry cat, swiping at the machine, missing by a good three feet before leaping up onto the train car and snarling down at Derek, claws sinking into the metal.

“Stop it!” She snapped, but not at Derek. She was glaring at the vacuum in his hand, yelling at it as if it had a life of its own. Derek raised the vacuum towards her and her eyes went wide as she scrambled back and snapped her teeth in warning. “Get away!” She yelled.

Isaac was puffing up, making himself look bigger than he was as he started forth to growl at the machine. Boyd was right behind him using Isaac as a shield as he roared at the vacuum.

Then Derek smiled wickedly and rushed them.

Isaac and Boyd scattered like leaves in the wind, yelping in fright and shoving each other into Derek's path as they tried to save themselves. Isaac stumbled and fell, flipping onto his back and scuttling away like a crab. Boyd took cover behind the broken pillar Stiles and Derek had previously occupied. Erica leapt down from the car, chasing after Derek and flipping backwards like an acrobat as soon as he turned around.

Stiles was breathless and trembling with implacable giggles on the ground, fumbling with his phone as he pulled up his camera and hit the record button. Then he wheezed and wiped the tears from his eyes, his cheeks aching as he watched Derek smile while he chased his betas, truly delighted, for the first time since Stiles had met him.

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon that Talia used to do this to her kids when they least expected it in an effort to train them to keep from shifting when startled, but also to laugh at them bc it's hilarious.
> 
> Also Derek totally didn't do this bc he felt Stiles deserves some revenge for all the shit his betas put him through. Nah, totally not that.
> 
> He's totally not in love w Stiles. Nope.
> 
> Only … he totally is.
> 
> Tumblr: [@floreswrites](https://floreswrites.tumblr.com)  
> Twitter: [@nanadanonini](http://twitter.com/nanadanonini)


End file.
